Tools Explained

> > DRILL PRESS:
> >
> >
> > A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock
> > out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer
> > across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully
> > set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
> >
> > WIRE WHEEL:
> >
> >
> > Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench
> > with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses
> > from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, ****!"
> >
> > SKILL SAW:
> >
> >
> > A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short..
> >
> > PLIERS:
> >
> >
> > Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
> > blood-blisters.
> >
> > BELT SANDER:
> >
> >
> > An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into
> > major refinishing jobs.
> >
> > HACKSAW:
> >
> >
> > One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It
> > transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more
> > you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
> >
> > VISE-GRIPS:
> >
> >
> > Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing
> > else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to
> > the palm of your hand.
> >
> > OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
> >
> >
> > Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on
> > fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which
> > you want to remove a bearing race..
> >
> > TABLE SAW:
> >
> >
> > A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for
> > testing wall integrity.
> >
> > HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
> >
> >
> > Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your
> > new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
> >
> > BAND SAW:
> >
> >
> > A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good
> > aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can
> > after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
> >
> > TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
> >
> >
> > A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to
> > disconnect.
> >
> > PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
> >
> >
> > Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style
> > paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but, can also be
> > used, as the nameimplies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
> >
> > STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
> >
> >
> > A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted
> > screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
> >
> > PRY BAR:
> >
> >
> > A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed
> > to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
> >
> > HOSE CUTTER:
> >
> >
> > A tool used to make hoses too short.
> >
> > HAMMER:
> >
> >
> > Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a
> > kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object
> > we are trying to hit.
> >
> > UTILITY KNIFE:
> >
> >
> > Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered
> > to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl
> > records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and
> > rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but
> > only while you are wearing them.
> >
> > Son of a b*tch TOOL:
> >
> >
> > Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "Son
> > of a b*tch" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool
> > that you will need.